"Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.”
"Attention without feeling is just a... report."
-Mary Oliver, in her gentle wisdom
I went to Wayanad (Kerala), a part of me is still there- soaking in the greens and the fierce yet gentle waterfalls, in the intricate ferns that seem to have been designed with extra detail and elegance. What I present to you here are bits and pieces of my various musings and emotions. I am penning this down because I truly think something fundamental in me expanded in the rainforests of Kerala. My ability to hold beauty without wanting to posses it, the depth of the gratitude I can feel, the spectrum of my emotions have broadened.
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I walked out of the rainforests more of a person than I entered being.
How to be a person?
To be a person is to feel, to be open to experience, to walk through life with hands open and palms facing upwards. Some days the rain is gentle and we try to feel grateful, other days all sorts of things fall in our palm, and we try to be brave.
To be a person is to keep the palms open, fists unclenched. We can grit our teeth and cry some tears but never to close our palms.
Never to close our palms.
Now that we have a recipe for being a 'person', let's focus on the 'being'
To be is to live, and living is very often a collaborative thing to do. Just like we share recipes over dinner tables and morning walks, I borrow my recipe for living from Mary Oliver.
I have paid attention, to the outside and my inner life, I am thoroughly astonished and now here I am, telling you about it.
The Plantations
Today, I ran through a tea plantation. Surrounded by mountains, some of which kissed the sky and flirted with the clouds- I ran until my legs moved on their own, unprompted by my otherwise running mind. My heart felt like it couldn’t hold all the magnificence I was surrounded by. I had to carve a space deeper in my heart to hold it. I want to travel such that my heart is on my sleeve, that laughter is on my lips and that any feeling that wants to come to me has a path to reach me. I willed all the boundaries and limitations of
learned insecurity and fear to stop bothering me, to stop restricting me. Nothing is too sentimental, nothing is forced. If I am feeling it, it must be coming from somewhere. I told myself to honor that place and diligently gave in to my feelings. Involuntarily I said the words, "I make place in my heart for this beauty and I make way for peace."
I create most of my own suffering, then it only makes sense that I should be equipped to create my onw joy as well. I was ready for joy to come visit me, I would open the doors this time.
On the way back, in the car I felt a deep openness, as if my proclamation had been heard by the universe and it instantly began to work on it. If you had asked me anything then, I would have given you the most honest of answers and then shared some more.
In the back seat of the car that took me from one place to another, there were people I loved , laughing about something, telling me an anecdote, sharing an inside joke. As I sat there, eating a piece of locally bought chocolate- I was complete.
Dear waterfalls,
Thank you waterfall, for letting me be part of you, thank you clear water for bending yourself in my shape Thank you for existing, for flowing, for letting me exist in you.
I worry that I sound delusional, that my original experience wasn’t as rich and the one I am describing, that I am over-ascribing meaning. My experience was not unadulterated by the myriad morose musings of the mind, by the fear of not being able to scream my fabricated bliss from rooftops, by the terror of not documenting, or worse- ill documenting. These are very much part of my experience, but I no longer see them as troubles to be cured. I want to understand this mind. I want to understand the origin of what's holding me back.
I hear you Manasi, you are heard. I make way for joy, for peace.
Imagine an object with a lot of crevices. Many bends and curves and places where dirt can settle intricately. String winds can't touch this accumulated dust, it's snugly made it's way deep in the interior of this strange object. Now imagine that this object kept under a strong current of water, white splashes directed from above. Now the dirt cannot hide, now the dust is fully bathed and the object thoroughly cleansed, every corner and caveat of this object swept clean. As I stood looking at the mighty waterfall in this imagery, I realized the object is my heart. The sounds of the waterfall are enough to cleanse it.
I told my friend about this imagery and she smiled heartily. I keep that smile close to my heart, now cleaner.
The Canoe
I worry that I feel too much. I worry that I don't feel everything. Between the two, life passes me by.
I am not worried today. In a boat, I only row. I seamlessly plunge one end of the oar in water and let the splashes in the still water caress my ears. I move my arms in a rhythm and trust the rhythm to take me where I want to go. There is a person sitting close to me. He has much more clarity of thought, he decided which direction to go in. My thoughts are clouded but my heart is clear. Between the two of us, we maneuver the boat smoothly.
I ask him how and when he knew for certain that the person he wanted to spend his life with was the one he ultimately chose and he said, 'It just felt right'
Then my heart was clouded and his was clear and thoughts had ceased, the water was too lovely for something as ephemeral as thoughts. I trusted the universe, the rhythm, the many names this strange world and its way are called to bring me such feeling, of things being 'right'. I was grateful to be in the company of those who had build such a precious thing- a meaningful healthy relationship together.
I rowed. It was lovely to row, to see my actions have immediate wiled consequences, unlike what I'm doing right now. I am typing now, on a lazy afternoon- it will reach you (if it reaches you) filtered down and then maybe I will hear from one or two of you. Of course, the intention is mere expression but musings of the heart are difficult to measure. what units can I use? How will I know when I have arrived?
The canoe is docked again, we have rowed our way back to the shore. The rhythm alive in my feet, my arms, my wobbly heart.
The rains and the forest
Happiness visited me uninhabited after a very long time today. It pierced through me, stitched it’s golden laughter onto the fabric of my everyday experience. The pleasure was so strong that I had to cry to contain it. I thanked the lord for making this universe for me to be in, a rather arrogant thing to be grateful for in hindsight but there was nothing egocentric about my feelings then. Purely spontaneous and wildly uncontrolled, I was alone with my emotion and that was its release. To simply find expression in existence, to have a rock to sit on, a clear stream to drink from. I drank deep and I was quenched. I drank a long and there was more.
I lay upon a rock and trusted it to support me. There was some fear but to go against the flow always requires effort, the currents of convention ever unforgiving.
I let my heart dream, wander the depths of its own feelings. I proclaimed my own abundance, most days my story tends to be that of love or victory, but today it is merely about abundance.
I had a conversation with a dear friend sitting on the most unlikely of benches. Conversation about convention, safety's delusional sham and food. conversation about reaching one’s potential and making awakened choices for one self. She told me about how to understand yourself is the highest form of truth and that affirmations are a magical thing.
As the rain pattered, all of experience combined to be whole and continuous, time was merely a superficial divide. I was cradled once more. The rain washed away my dirt filled crevices of the heart. I was truly myself- dancing on a turf, doing Yoga, addressing a crowd and declaring myself to be the person I am. I think I took back something I owed myself for a long time.
As I walked across a bridge that seemed tailor made for my dramatics to unfold, I felt like nothing could be taken away from me, even if I were stripped bare of all my possessions, I would still have me and that would be enough. My ability to feel was pushed to its boundaries, emotions I'd never felt before came to me unfettered. There was definitely some resistance, there was some fear but my heart was open, my fists unclenched.
I no longer wish people only happiness, I wish that their hearts are open to receive it. There is joy, we just need to accept it as ours, look it in its face and say "yes I am ready for you."
Which eloquence should I invoke that it may do justice to the things my heart witnessed. Which flowers shall I pluck so that their beauty remains?
I can only hope we all experience blooming more often, so much so that no one needs to ever pluck anything.
My heart is full of joy and gratitude. My experience may be adulterated but my heart is in the right place. Good things are waiting for me. I know how to occupy spaces with grace and say goodbye peacefully. Clarity is within reach and I am ready to hold my hand out.
To eat well
To eat to fulfil more than your tongue. I learnt to listen to my body better, to mix tastes elegantly, to enjoy new spices and love coconut. To give thought and attention to what I feed my body.
The Little Things
I saw hands intertwined of two people I held dear to me walked ahead of me. Their child, my dear friend walked next to me in all of his innocent glory. I wished the world for him. I was so grateful to be included in their perfect little family. To sit alongside them, to dine with them, to sleep by their side, to travel with them, to be part of their laughter and conversations. What a tender thing it was to live life with them, even if for just 4 days. They were warm people at heart and their warmth permeated through to me. My heart was open to receive it. My friend stopped to speak to the rocks, to decipher their secrets and I was in awe with the thoughtfulness of it all. I have always believed that those who can laugh with their heads back and till their tummies hurt know something about life that those who don't laugh much don't. She laughed with an immense abandon- it made my heart soft. I danced with them, danced a little for them, I made them laugh and they made me smile. Another friend took everything in light humor, never complaining- the foundation was one of mutual respect. The child is giving, loving, he knows how to be gentle and smart. He taught me to do a backflip underwater and celebrated with me when I was able to do one. He gave me a pen as a parting gift and told me that he would copy everything I did in my life.
I want to live a good life.
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To pay attention
To be astonished
To tell about it.
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This is me telling you that I feel like a person again.
I hope you meet me as a person too.
Palms open.
Hearts open.
~
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